One of those daysI

I have been going through a period of not sleeping well, so although I had dentist today, not till 2.10. Which was just as well as I did the usual last night, fighting to stay awake till OH up and getting ready for his work, then....wide awake!. Still sitting watching recorded programmes at 2.30..

Able to have a long lie in.but felt the need to get up and on with some of the chores waiting for me. However always having to remember about the dentist. I had gathered some books I didn't want to keep to hand into the charity book shop near the dentist, however as the pile grew, OH took pity and took them up for me, so all I had to do was pop in on the way home to  look for any books (!)

Well I arrived at the dentist, and without going into it all, I had no appointment, my details were correct per the details I was given, but different ones put in the computer. End result, no one available to see me so I have to go back in a few weeks. I was very pleasant, neither lady there made the booking, so no point of taking it out on them. So off to the charity shop, feeling very fed up as my whole day was programmed round the appointment.

Bought 3 books and a book carrier thingy in purple, rather handy as your book fits in it with a pen, a ribbon to keep your page, and even a wee handle on the spine, if you wanted to carry it that way. Home, and there waiting for me was my new GHD straighteners. Bliss. Mine had dies, but as they were in excess of 10 years old, I cannot complain. In the meantime, I had looked out all old hair tongs etc, but you don't realise how good they are till you don't have them!!! So all excited I unpacked them and plugged them in.So lovely all new and extra bits, like the beep when heat reached. I had a quick shock of them, then switched them off, cleaned make up off, and calmly reached over o move them by grabbing the hot bit!!!!!! Thumb should have been three time the size and red and throbbing by the way it felt, ran for cooling gel......

Feeling a bit fed up with my day and then put my first ever Weighwatcher meal in the oven. Having lost a reasonable amount of weight on my slow and steady eating plan, I am still keen to be as good as I can be, but after the day I had been having., who knew! However, I can say with honesty I really enjoyed it and even more so as it was £2 in sale in supermarket!!!

Hopefully tomorrow should be a better day, need to get some chores out they way before the new boiler work starts on Thursday - hope fully all the thongs that are going to go wrong this week have already happened!! Early night coming up, with large scotch I think.......

For M O W : Self Esteem

I find this quite a difficult one, probably I think, because it is!

I can tell myself all the right things, gee myself up to go out, and feel great, but when I meet people, new or old, I can often be found to just quietly withdraw. Especially with a group of people, I find I just don't feel confident in a crowd any longer. I do find myself feeling so out of the loop, boring, nothing to talk about and so on.

After spending my whole life working, suddenly because of my circumstances, my world has shrunk so much. While I will never miss the job, I do miss the mixing with people, the social side to working. I was mixing with all sorts of people, all sorts of ages and backgrounds. I chatted each day to all sorts of people, tenants, other departments, tradesmen.  While these days I can go days with only seeing my OH briefly. Apart from that it’s me, the cats, the TV and the laptop.

I am not too bad, one on one, as I like to think I am a good listener, but in a crowd, I pull on my invisibility cloak. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel I am inferior as such, I just have little to say, because of this small, shrinking world I now inhabit.

I can be walking around, say in the shopping centre, leaning on a trolley and looking in the windows, then see my reflection……..and it often will really knock the wind from my sails. I don’t mean that in a narcissistic way, just that I still think of myself as I was, 6 inches taller, a few stone lighter and with a straight spine. Even after all these years the reality can still take my breath away, and obviously affects my self-esteem. Any self-confidence I had mustered in order to get out, goes straight out the window!

It can become such a catch 22 situation, the less you do it, the less you want to do it, the less you socialise, the more difficult it is. I can’t see an answer to this for me, as my circle gets ever smaller, so do the opportunities.

However, I shall continue to strive to get out and about, to try and have a little more confidence, the poster below I feel is wholly appropriate to me and others in similar situations, but it is not easy, but then why should we expect to be?

More Reasons to be cheerful

Let’s think what comes to mind this time for reasons to be cheerful, at this time of year I do like a cool, but bright day, when I can wear a  long jumper and big woolly cardigan, big scarf round my neck (I find this is the best place) and cosy gloves.

Another reason to be cheerful, is on a dark, wet, windy day, being able to snuggle by the fire, with the cats and a good book, or DVD, and feel no guilt.

My GHD hair straighteners: I don’t need to straighten my hair as it’s straight as anything, but it’s also flat as a pancake, so a quick few flicks with them and add some product, and it looks like I have much thicker and curvier hair. I do have a spare pair (just cheap ones) as I would be totally lost without them.

My drawer and cupboard and bags full of scarves of all sizes, shapes, colours. I love my scarves, plain outfit, boring outfit, find a scarf to change the look, or more often with several making all different looks to suit the mood I am in.

My jewellery collection. I feel naked without my jewellery, from the cheapest of the cheap upwards. I can spend a lovely afternoon, getting all necklaces off the stand and out the drawers etc, cleaning, deciding what is in vogue, what has to go away and what will stay on show, then arrange in colour order. Same with bracelets and earrings. Again lift and outfit, and my mood by changing the jewellery, good stuff mixed with cheap whatever. I have enclosed a couple of photos of a few bits and bobs.

And on one of these cool autumn/winter nights there is nothing to beat home made soup.

On reflexion I quite like this time of year as long as dry and not too windy!!

Need:

What do I need, I think in fairness this isn’t too complicated at all. All the basic stuff needed by us all, enough money to not have to worry too much each month, sufficient clothes to wear, food on the table etc etc.

Then the other stuff, I must have books around me, music to listen to, people to talk to (mainly on line these days). When I can, I need to get out of the flat, to stretch my legs, to walk, to look in shops, smile at people, and feel like I am still part of the human race. Plus it is the only form of exercise I can do.

I also need a little help now and then, nothing major, but just sometimes, if those around me would simply think ahead a little. I do this when I am with my mum, I try to observe what she is doing, and often take over doing something I know she will have difficult doing, before she realises that I have done so. No big fanfare LET ME HELP YOU, just quietly assisting her. I often need some help, and at times, if I am honest I actually really grudge having to ask for it. I wander why no one has thought to themselves that what I am about to do will be difficult for me and so just take over quietly. In fairness though, I think I am more attuned to this simply because of my own situation, and that is why I am able to do it with my mum. So a little subtle help, not stuffed down my throat, or ‘I won’t bother as you will want to do it yourself,’ would be much appreciated.

A lot of that comes from the ‘not looking sick’ situation. If I looked pale and wan and in a chair or in plaster or a bandage wrapped round my head, people would make more of an effort. I know when I am in the supermarket, holding onto the trolley, I can gaze at something on the top shelf, and I get no offers of help. If I walk from the trolley using my stick I find it easier to ask for help and people rarely look upset at being asked.

Probably also is the fact that having a chronic illness, people get used to thinking of you in one way and they don’t change that mind-set. They begin to accept that you rarely go out, so never ask, etc. You make your bed and find yourself stranded there!

I need to feel worthwhile and not just a useless, nearly housebound, disabled boring person, because I don’t go out, doesn’t mean I might not like to, with a little assistance. But looking ok, and the illness going on and on and on and on, being taken for granted sets in, invisibility sets in, and assumptions take root.

I need more of a life than I have. I need to feel alive, I know I am sliding into becoming the old woman with the cats and the books and the TV, and that would be all too easy. I realise that mum is getting nearer to the stage when she will need more help, and I dread it, as does she. What use will I be then? But I will NEED to find strength and energy from somewhere as there is only us, no big family to lean on, or big circle of friends anymore.

I need to try and get as well as I can be , lose some weight to help with this endeavour, as mum would love to go to the USA one more time. Go to her favourite place, Scottsdale, and as I am at the moment I would be a real hindrance. You might think this is more of a ‘wish’ than a ‘need’, but we all ‘need’ something to strive for. Or we would just stay in bed!!

 There is plenty that I want – but that is another story!!