Monday, 27 May 2013

Hi Strangers

Been a while since I did a blog, not sure why I have taken the notion today, so I think I’ll just ‘do as it says on the can’ as it were, and think out loud!

It’s a Monday holiday, at least it’s a bank holiday and some places are open, some not. Makes a it quite a boring day for TV, all to pot during the day. Tried to read for a while, but I still have this difficulty in reading during the day – unless I am unwell – stupid or what! So Milo and I are resting, side by side while considering our next move.

I have a wash on, and a loaf in the bread machine, so its not like I have been doing nothing, showered, hair washed and kind of sorted….. Need to try  on a couple of wee tops I bought, in case they have to go back, but that means getting dressed…..naw, not in the mood.

I buy clothes to try and cheer myself up, yet I am heavier than I have ever been and have no social life to talk of…….. still I can look as good as I can manage while shopping!!

I need a holiday, so badly need a rest, but what is available to me, in honesty, would probably be the worst thing I could do. If I could sneak away on my own for a couple of days, pack my Kindle. Go someplace I would like to go to, do what I would like to do, when I would like to do it, but what is the point of even thinking about it, I can’t do that. I have too much responsibility to others, I would hurt feelings, feelings I must not hurt now.

Funny how our lives turn out, I was reminded when I met up with a friend I have not seen for many years. She knew most of my story at that time of my life, I was catching up with hers. In those days we were young and married and full of hope and plans, yet neither marriage lasted. She was in a different situation than I was as she had 2 children; I had chronic health issues which could only get worse. I was delighted to know she is now very happily remarried, and her children, and grand children are doing well.

I am still dealing with even more chronic health issues, had to give up work, in a relationship which really is more of convenience, and my only real family is my mother who is getting on, and I have to watch her grow more frail – oh don’t get me wrong, she is great for her age – and more dependent on me for companionship. Partner works unsociable hours and then watches sport on TV, so most of the time I am at home, in MY home I am alone and being quiet. The other alternative is going shopping with mum, which in itself is turning into a chore. But as we go through alternatives, we come up against my lack of mobility, my fatigue; or things I like mum doesn't and vice verse.

So at times it gets me down, very down, get very tired of just existing these days. Even if partner could drive, could make a difference, but then of course his working hours would get in the way. I can’t remember the last time I was out in the evening, I can remember the last time I was out for lunch and the time before that (2 years previously).

So watch TV, read books, try to keep my home in a reasonable condition….I have turned into an unpaid housekeeper – when I am able. Though in the winter it isn't so bad, but when the sun is out, and I am sitting in, looking out – like so many other people I know – and watching the world go by……

As they are all I have ( TV - books)  I have been less patient and find I am much more difficult to please now, and have been cutting back quite a bit on TV, I have stopped reading books when I am forced to admit I am not really enjoying them…….

Must try to find something to actually enjoy this summer, at least in June my hall area is to be painted and that will be the flat done, all fresh and easier to live in. One of the biggest pains in the bum, is all the road works for the trams, so difficult to get buses now, without several changes. Then of course trying to meet up with mum so we can maybe just go on a few jaunts on the  bus on a nice day……..Need to get the energy to put the thinking cap on.

Right  better check on the washing and the bread.