Still in the midst of trying to get my life into a more balanced place - what I want, what others need from me, not easy, specially when you add the health side of things into the equation.
Went out shopping with mum today, just because she really wanted out the house and was feeling very depressed. I was not feeling to good, had not slept too well, but could tell with her voice that I had to make the effort. Off we go, out to our usual shopping place. We did get some things returned, mum found a few things in the sale ( tall and slim so easy to find clothes that look great), and insisted on giving me money to buy myself something as she had realised (despite my best efforts) that I wasn't great. I have to keep telling her she doesn't have to give me money, but if she buys something for herself I have to get something too! bought a cheap basic T shirt, but not good enough, so we made the mistake of going into Monsoon. I do love that shop, though for me it is more expensive than usual. I was wearing blue linen trousers I had bought online - and which are a great fit (not easy with my body!) and as I walked down the shop, I swear this blouse waved its arms at me, it certainly caught me eye, and had my size. I clutched it and went off to try it on, it fitted, and I was in love, that blouse was mine, didnt care if mother liked it or not - she did, inn fact she liked it so much she bought it, despite having already given me money, I reminded her, but she wanted the responsibility for the purchase!.
Still daft as I have no social life, but I care how I dress, and I will get pleasure from it. Mum is getting her hair done tomorrow and as the salon is across the road, that will be tomorrow taken care of........
I might manage to have a 'day off' on Thursday before shopping day Friday, or the other way round. That is a laugh, of course, 'day off', day to do the household chores.Cause I am disabled, no longer able to work, I apparently have all the time in the world to do whatever I want, so therefore all the chores can be done by me etc etc etc, then like today, we had to walk at a brisk pace across 2 roads to get to the taxi rank. I arrived with hair sticking to my face, limping and sounding like an asthmatic (I am not one) it took me ages to breath properly, and for the shaking legs to still, the back spasms to stop, then I am reminded that I am not as mobile or a capable as I try to think I am.
When you are running, ok, walking round your own wee space, you are ok, you are working within such a small area, that it is so easy to forget, that the walk round the corner to the bus stop can wind you - badly. That the walk round the corner to the supermarket - the walk round the supermarket, and then home, wheeling whatever you have bought - is impossible!!
Never mind the sun is out, I can see it out the window, so folk generally feel happier. I wish at this time I still lived in a house and had my own wee garden with a degree of privacy so I could sit outside and read in the fresh air, but hey, at least I have my flat, many people are far far worse off.
Must stop rambling now, so till the next time byeeeee
Monday, 27 May 2013
Been a while since I did a blog, not sure why I have taken the notion today, so I think I’ll just ‘do as it says on the can’ as it were, and think out loud!
It’s a Monday holiday, at least it’s a bank holiday and some places are open, some not. Makes a it quite a boring day for TV, all to pot during the day. Tried to read for a while, but I still have this difficulty in reading during the day – unless I am unwell – stupid or what! So Milo and I are resting, side by side while considering our next move.
I have a wash on, and a loaf in the bread machine, so its not like I have been doing nothing, showered, hair washed and kind of sorted….. Need to try on a couple of wee tops I bought, in case they have to go back, but that means getting dressed…..naw, not in the mood.
I buy clothes to try and cheer myself up, yet I am heavier than I have ever been and have no social life to talk of…….. still I can look as good as I can manage while shopping!!
I need a holiday, so badly need a rest, but what is available to me, in honesty, would probably be the worst thing I could do. If I could sneak away on my own for a couple of days, pack my Kindle. Go someplace I would like to go to, do what I would like to do, when I would like to do it, but what is the point of even thinking about it, I can’t do that. I have too much responsibility to others, I would hurt feelings, feelings I must not hurt now.
Funny how our lives turn out, I was reminded when I met up with a friend I have not seen for many years. She knew most of my story at that time of my life, I was catching up with hers. In those days we were young and married and full of hope and plans, yet neither marriage lasted. She was in a different situation than I was as she had 2 children; I had chronic health issues which could only get worse. I was delighted to know she is now very happily remarried, and her children, and grand children are doing well.
I am still dealing with even more chronic health issues, had to give up work, in a relationship which really is more of convenience, and my only real family is my mother who is getting on, and I have to watch her grow more frail – oh don’t get me wrong, she is great for her age – and more dependent on me for companionship. Partner works unsociable hours and then watches sport on TV, so most of the time I am at home, in MY home I am alone and being quiet. The other alternative is going shopping with mum, which in itself is turning into a chore. But as we go through alternatives, we come up against my lack of mobility, my fatigue; or things I like mum doesn't and vice verse.
So at times it gets me down, very down, get very tired of just existing these days. Even if partner could drive, could make a difference, but then of course his working hours would get in the way. I can’t remember the last time I was out in the evening, I can remember the last time I was out for lunch and the time before that (2 years previously).
So watch TV, read books, try to keep my home in a reasonable condition….I have turned into an unpaid housekeeper – when I am able. Though in the winter it isn't so bad, but when the sun is out, and I am sitting in, looking out – like so many other people I know – and watching the world go by……
As they are all I have ( TV - books) I have been less patient and find I am much more difficult to please now, and have been cutting back quite a bit on TV, I have stopped reading books when I am forced to admit I am not really enjoying them…….
Must try to find something to actually enjoy this summer, at least in June my hall area is to be painted and that will be the flat done, all fresh and easier to live in. One of the biggest pains in the bum, is all the road works for the trams, so difficult to get buses now, without several changes. Then of course trying to meet up with mum so we can maybe just go on a few jaunts on the bus on a nice day……..Need to get the energy to put the thinking cap on.
Right better check on the washing and the bread.