Monday, 7 May 2012

Mojo where art thou?

As my friends here know my mojo has run off somewhere recently. I have no idea where, but one day it had just had enough.

I have been finding it quite difficult because of that, as I have felt quite low, and unable to cope with things I normally just get on with. I have gone through one of those periods of just feeling fed up with my lot, and it is difficult to speak too openly, as I would hate to offend anyone who can do far less than I can etc.#

I have been finding it very hard not getting out combined with the rubbish weather. This is mainly because I can, on most days, carry on around the flat and feel not too bad. And that is so frustrating, because I know that by the time I would get to the end of the road I would be hot and bothered, breathless and clutching my stick and bent really badly! But, within the confines of the flat I feel like I should be able to do more. I think the flat size is the size I can appear ‘normal’ in, if you know what I mean, just a little bit more and I have to accept I have limitations.

Despite the fact I live within walking distance of Princes Street, I can’t get out easily by bus because most of Edinburgh is being dug up partly  general road works but centrally because of the  tram works. Buses are all to pot, so to get anywhere requires several buses and – for me – a bit of a walk, in both directions don’t forget!  Of course I would have to figure out how to get what buses initially as they have all changed routes! So the alternative is stay in till you are howling at the 4 walls, or go by taxi! And I can assure you taxi costs in Edinburgh are expensive. To get to mums house costs at least £7 and that is for 10 minute cab ride, and again would need to do both directions.

So all of this is just dragging me further down, oh to have a car and a driver (I do still have a license but because of the lack of mobility with my neck I cannot possibly see properly) there is this feeling of , this is it, my life in 4 walls! I can’t remember the last time I went out for a meal, went to the cinema, went to an art gallery, did something I really wanted to do, not just what is available to do that I can manage. I don’t mind too much not going out at night, to be honest as it would be just too expensive as it would be taxi’s everywhere, and I am too tired these days by early evening, but it would just be so nice to be able to do something different, something fun, go for a drive, go down and feed the swans and ducks, …..know what I mean.?

I love reading, and my eyes are giving me problems and headaches, I used to love knitting and had thought of taking it up again, when my hands reminded me why that was a really stupid idea. Even with the computer, between the eyes and the hands, cants stay on for long. I have been trying to plan work to be done to the flat, but partly because I can't do all I would want to its difficult to make decisions, as I know that part of the plan making, is just to have something to so. So I am busy creating things to do to keep me occupied, sad really, pathetic really, depressing – certainly. Sometimes you can just shake yourself out of it, but sometime it is too hard, that dark cloud just envelopes you and you are forced to face and accept your lot, bugger!

1 comment:

  1. I understand completely what you are saying, our heads still think of us as 'able' but our bodies refuse to co-operate. Some days even the simplest of tasks are beyond us and we are supposed to just accept this? You are right to grieve what you have lost through your ill health but don't lose sight of what you still have.... Your wit, your kindness, your ability to understand, your humour etc etc.
    This is one of the times when your friends are able to see the positives in you that you temporarily can not.