As my friends here know my mojo has run off
somewhere recently. I have no idea where, but one day it had just had enough.
I have been finding it quite difficult
because of that, as I have felt quite low, and unable to cope with things I
normally just get on with. I have gone through one of those periods of just
feeling fed up with my lot, and it is difficult to speak too openly, as I would
hate to offend anyone who can do far less than I can etc.#
I have been finding it very hard not getting
out combined with the rubbish weather. This is mainly because I can, on most
days, carry on around the flat and feel not too bad. And that is so
frustrating, because I know that by the time I would get to the end of the road
I would be hot and bothered, breathless and clutching my stick and bent really badly! But, within the
confines of the flat I feel like I should be able to do more. I think the flat size is the size I can appear ‘normal’ in, if you know what I mean, just a
little bit more and I have to accept I have limitations.
Despite the fact I live within walking
distance of Princes Street, I can’t get out easily by bus because most of
Edinburgh is being dug up partly general
road works but centrally because of the tram works. Buses are all to pot, so to get
anywhere requires several buses and – for me – a bit of a walk, in both
directions don’t forget! Of course I
would have to figure out how to get what buses initially as they have all
changed routes! So the alternative is stay in till you are howling at the 4
walls, or go by taxi! And I can assure you taxi costs in Edinburgh are
expensive. To get to mums house costs at least £7 and that is for 10 minute cab
ride, and again would need to do both directions.
So all of this is just dragging me further down,
oh to have a car and a driver (I do still have a license but because of the
lack of mobility with my neck I cannot possibly see properly) there is this
feeling of , this is it, my life in 4 walls! I can’t remember the last time I
went out for a meal, went to the cinema, went to an art gallery, did something
I really wanted to do, not just what is available to do that I can manage. I don’t mind too much not going out at night, to be
honest as it would be just too expensive as it would be taxi’s everywhere, and
I am too tired these days by early evening, but it would just be so nice to be
able to do something different, something fun, go for a drive, go down and feed
the swans and ducks, …..know what I mean.?
I love reading, and my eyes are giving me
problems and headaches, I used to love knitting and had thought of taking it up
again, when my hands reminded me why that was a really stupid idea. Even with
the computer, between the eyes and the hands, cants stay on for long. I have
been trying to plan work to be done to the flat, but partly because I can't do
all I would want to its difficult to make decisions, as I know that part of the
plan making, is just to have something to so. So I am busy creating things to do
to keep me occupied, sad really, pathetic really, depressing – certainly.
Sometimes you can just shake yourself out of it, but sometime it is too hard,
that dark cloud just envelopes you and you are forced to face and accept your
lot, bugger!
