Hi Strangers

Been a while since I did a blog, not sure why I have taken the notion today, so I think I’ll just ‘do as it says on the can’ as it were, and think out loud!

It’s a Monday holiday, at least it’s a bank holiday and some places are open, some not. Makes a it quite a boring day for TV, all to pot during the day. Tried to read for a while, but I still have this difficulty in reading during the day – unless I am unwell – stupid or what! So Milo and I are resting, side by side while considering our next move.

I have a wash on, and a loaf in the bread machine, so its not like I have been doing nothing, showered, hair washed and kind of sorted….. Need to try  on a couple of wee tops I bought, in case they have to go back, but that means getting dressed…..naw, not in the mood.

I buy clothes to try and cheer myself up, yet I am heavier than I have ever been and have no social life to talk of…….. still I can look as good as I can manage while shopping!!

I need a holiday, so badly need a rest, but what is available to me, in honesty, would probably be the worst thing I could do. If I could sneak away on my own for a couple of days, pack my Kindle. Go someplace I would like to go to, do what I would like to do, when I would like to do it, but what is the point of even thinking about it, I can’t do that. I have too much responsibility to others, I would hurt feelings, feelings I must not hurt now.

Funny how our lives turn out, I was reminded when I met up with a friend I have not seen for many years. She knew most of my story at that time of my life, I was catching up with hers. In those days we were young and married and full of hope and plans, yet neither marriage lasted. She was in a different situation than I was as she had 2 children; I had chronic health issues which could only get worse. I was delighted to know she is now very happily remarried, and her children, and grand children are doing well.

I am still dealing with even more chronic health issues, had to give up work, in a relationship which really is more of convenience, and my only real family is my mother who is getting on, and I have to watch her grow more frail – oh don’t get me wrong, she is great for her age – and more dependent on me for companionship. Partner works unsociable hours and then watches sport on TV, so most of the time I am at home, in MY home I am alone and being quiet. The other alternative is going shopping with mum, which in itself is turning into a chore. But as we go through alternatives, we come up against my lack of mobility, my fatigue; or things I like mum doesn't and vice verse.

So at times it gets me down, very down, get very tired of just existing these days. Even if partner could drive, could make a difference, but then of course his working hours would get in the way. I can’t remember the last time I was out in the evening, I can remember the last time I was out for lunch and the time before that (2 years previously).

So watch TV, read books, try to keep my home in a reasonable condition….I have turned into an unpaid housekeeper – when I am able. Though in the winter it isn't so bad, but when the sun is out, and I am sitting in, looking out – like so many other people I know – and watching the world go by……

As they are all I have ( TV - books)  I have been less patient and find I am much more difficult to please now, and have been cutting back quite a bit on TV, I have stopped reading books when I am forced to admit I am not really enjoying them…….

Must try to find something to actually enjoy this summer, at least in June my hall area is to be painted and that will be the flat done, all fresh and easier to live in. One of the biggest pains in the bum, is all the road works for the trams, so difficult to get buses now, without several changes. Then of course trying to meet up with mum so we can maybe just go on a few jaunts on the  bus on a nice day……..Need to get the energy to put the thinking cap on.

Right  better check on the washing and the bread.

Bye!

Thoughts from an apparent scrounger

At breakfast time today I heard an interview with that Osborne man, you know the one, he lives in cloud cuckoo land. You know the place where everyone is fit and well, working hard, looking after themselves and their families with no assistance from anyone. These people are bright and ambitious and pay taxes and do their bit for this country.

What about the bankers who brought this country to its knees?

What about the MPs with their fraudulent claims for expenses?

What about the companies we allow to trade here paying next to nothing in tax?

What about the immigrant’s we allow into the country, give them benefits and homes?

What about the billions we give away each year to countries where they don’t chose to look after their own.

But no, the big bad, despicable, nasty, lazy, people  draining the life out of this country are those who do not work and claim benefit.

While I accept their will always be people who play the system, what about the majority of people, those who through no fault of their own are unable to work? I am one of those people. I worked Friday nights and Saturday night’s washing dishes in the local Wimpy bar, and all day Saturday in Woolies, as soon as I was old enough, this was so I could go on school trips. I left school at 18 and apart from a break when I was recovering from serious spine surgery; I have never been out of work. When I was ready to go back to work after recovering from the surgery, I signed up to retrain and learn skills to enable me to have more choices when I went looking for a job. I learned all they had to offer and went on to run the training centre till they closed down. It was a very short time before I got another job, it was 1994. I stayed with this firm, in its various guises, despite suffering from a long term chronic disease, and various other health issues, till I retired.

The last stage of my employment was after a merger and the new premises were a considerable distance from where I live, the conditions were dreadful for me. It was quickly apparent that those in charge were mainly not from my side of the merger and did not care to have a woman in her 50's with health issues – despite a sickness record which could stand up for comparison to any one they might choose. Life was made difficult,, intolerable. With the additional stress I ended up having to go off sick and find out how to go about retiring early because of my health issues.

I did finally manage to get it all sorted and retired early (4 years before my state pension was due to begin). I pay tax on my small pension, and now that my state pension has started I will pay more. I receive DLA, as I qualify; yet this morning I hear that my neighbours who are 'go getting' and working will have  apparently been looking down on me, during those 4 years as I lay in my bed when they were setting off for work! The fact that I was laying my bed was because I had not yet managed to get out of it, because of the pain and stiffness, was of no concern. I assume I was thought of as leaching off the state, I was partly responsible for bringing the country to its knees, I have let the side down, I am worthless, invisible, beyond contempt.

I pay tax, I have paid tax all my life, now I have no real life, I rarely leave my home, I certainly have no social life, I have not been out to the cinema, a meal in the evening, in fact I cannot remember when I was last out in the evening. Had a holiday, partly because of lack of confidence due to my mobility, difficulty in being comfortable and being a nuisance , and because I would need to take taxis and this all adds to the cost, sadly I am certainly not living the easy life. I have barely enough to live on. I have some savings and some money from the lump sum part of my pension (being 4 years early very much less than I would have had if I retired at the full time). This is all being spent on getting my home made safe for me, making it as easy as possible for me to maintain – yet I am sure there will be those questioning how I am able to do all the work I am doing – because I am using money I earned that’s how, and because I spend the vast majority of my time in my home.

It is a desperate situation when people like me, every day, are being put through the inquisition to enable them to get benefits - that there are people walking miles to get a  hand out of food as they are starving -  that elderly are dying in their homes as they cannot afford to eat or heat their homes properly. This is 2012, people starving, freezing, dying because they are treated as the lowest of the low, that man Osborne saying we are despised…..oh wait….is that the plan, kill us off or make life so bloody unendurable that we take our own??? I f so, give yourself  a pat on the back Osborne – you are succeeding. I hope you can sleep at night, as many many people cannot.

More work in the flat.....

Another Monday morning, though not a normal one – no this is the first day of new kitchen being fitted.

Yesterday was spent emptying all the cupboards and drawers, and what a lot of stuff there was!! It starts in a fairly organised fashion – and things were examined and decisions made whether to keep or not. Dates on tins and jars checked (1997!!! Oops) but after a while, all that matters is getting it done. I reckon that as everything has to be washed and sorted before being put back in a new kitchen, the second wave of sorting and checking happens then.

But aren’t men gormless? No instruction given, and this means (it appears) that nothing needs to be done by. Say ‘ will you take that bag there, and put everything from that drawer in  it – fold them neatly and when it is full, place in the hall cupboard on the 2^nd shelf on the left’ and its done……. But the trick is to remember everything single thing he needs to do.

Up early this morning to do last minute things, almost started to sweep the floor when I realised……. Hardly sat down when the kitchen arrived, this has now been mainly stashed in the common hall area outside the flat, before the workmen arrived. Electrician did his couple of jobs and away, and now I am sitting her freezing listening to the banging.

We had to close and lock the cat flap and they will go out and in via back bedroom window today, as we don’t want them going into the kitchen – not that they probably would do. But the cat flap will be opened once the men have gone. Their food has been moved into the back bedroom also.

Feel at such a loose end, can’t really relax, yet can’t really do anything. I have taken photos of the various stages, like I did with the bathroom, so interesting to see how it evolves.

Right might try and read my book now, though so cold – put the heating off as no point with the doors being opened and closed all the time. It will be worth it, wont it?

Update, as been missing for some time

I realise I have not been blogging recently, for quite some time in fact. I have some excuses, I decorated my living room and had to deal with all the chaos that went with it. I had hardly caught my breath when there was water ingress into my bedroom from flat above.

This resulted in the insurance company arranging to empty my bedroom and store the main furniture for me. The smaller stuff I kept – just for practical purposes, so the rest of the flat was in chaos – with me camped out on my settee for almost a week and a half.

The ceiling was brought down and plasterboard put up, then it all skimmed. A wait for 4 days till dry enough to paint the ceiling and the walls, they didn’t do the wood though. So, as soon as semi organised, got my painter to come to do the white wood work – but only where it was seen (I could not bear any more upheaval!)

Now just waiting for the new curtains and blanket box I have on order to finish that room.

I had been planning to update my kitchen, for practical reasons – easy to clean and easy for me to work in, and after all that has been happening, I decided I had better bite the bullet and get the work done now, because any delay and I might never do it!!

Plans have been agreed, as have cost, and it all begins in early December. I have found a home for my dresser, which should be going this weekend, then next week the big clear out begins! My ‘how to be positive’ attitude is that I will at last manage to have a good clear out. You know those drawers chock a block with junk , tins which might now be out of date…etc  Will chuck out or  send to charity shop whatever is appropriate. Then last night I thought I would plan what will go where, to try to be as sensible as possible. If I changed my mind once, I changed it a dozen times! Keeps me out of mischief!

I am not looking forward, in truth, to all the work involved. There is the clear out, the chaos as stuff is stored, the trying to live for 3-4 days with a kettle and microwave. Then, of course, putting it all back…… then the vinyl to be chosen and fitted for the floor, then painting.

I have settled for a slightly adventurous colour scheme – being tired of always playing safe – so units are high gloss white, splash back and work tops black, the vinyl to be a slate tiled effect. Then all the walls to be pillar box red!!! I have bought an oil cloth for the table, in a Japanese design with white, black, grey and red. The ceiling is to be a soft grey. I am being brave and doing what I want – from the quiet response I got from mum and OH, I am not so sure they are as enthusiast, but hey my kitchen, I am paying for it!!

Through all of this there has been a bit of obvious stress, and I have been plagued by neck pain, however new meds are being taken which seem to be helping. I might even consider getting in professional cleaners to go through the flat after kitchen done, and the hall painted (that will be the last thing to be done) If I can get the hall done before Christmas. That will then be finished, finito, done!

It’s funny, that even though you are well aware of your limitations when you have a chronic disease, you forget that your condition will evolve and worsen in time. This was what caused the decision to carry out the kitchen work, as I have found that I have real problems getting stuff out from base units, or from too high in wall units. I am going to have the deep double drawers in some of the units so I can have the likes of crockery much easier to get to. As I have difficulty reaching to clean, the gloss white doors are easier to clean as dirt tends to slide off and so on.

I hope this means I will start the new year with my flat as good as it can be with my financial restrictions, as I can’t see anything major being done again.

Apart from all the above, life has been very quiet, cats are great, my hair is still red!

Mojo where art thou?

As my friends here know my mojo has run off somewhere recently. I have no idea where, but one day it had just had enough.

I have been finding it quite difficult because of that, as I have felt quite low, and unable to cope with things I normally just get on with. I have gone through one of those periods of just feeling fed up with my lot, and it is difficult to speak too openly, as I would hate to offend anyone who can do far less than I can etc.#

I have been finding it very hard not getting out combined with the rubbish weather. This is mainly because I can, on most days, carry on around the flat and feel not too bad. And that is so frustrating, because I know that by the time I would get to the end of the road I would be hot and bothered, breathless and clutching my stick and bent really badly! But, within the confines of the flat I feel like I should be able to do more. I think the flat size is the size I can appear ‘normal’ in, if you know what I mean, just a little bit more and I have to accept I have limitations.

Despite the fact I live within walking distance of Princes Street, I can’t get out easily by bus because most of Edinburgh is being dug up partly  general road works but centrally because of the  tram works. Buses are all to pot, so to get anywhere requires several buses and – for me – a bit of a walk, in both directions don’t forget!  Of course I would have to figure out how to get what buses initially as they have all changed routes! So the alternative is stay in till you are howling at the 4 walls, or go by taxi! And I can assure you taxi costs in Edinburgh are expensive. To get to mums house costs at least £7 and that is for 10 minute cab ride, and again would need to do both directions.

So all of this is just dragging me further down, oh to have a car and a driver (I do still have a license but because of the lack of mobility with my neck I cannot possibly see properly) there is this feeling of , this is it, my life in 4 walls! I can’t remember the last time I went out for a meal, went to the cinema, went to an art gallery, did something I really wanted to do, not just what is available to do that I can manage. I don’t mind too much not going out at night, to be honest as it would be just too expensive as it would be taxi’s everywhere, and I am too tired these days by early evening, but it would just be so nice to be able to do something different, something fun, go for a drive, go down and feed the swans and ducks, …..know what I mean.?

I love reading, and my eyes are giving me problems and headaches, I used to love knitting and had thought of taking it up again, when my hands reminded me why that was a really stupid idea. Even with the computer, between the eyes and the hands, cants stay on for long. I have been trying to plan work to be done to the flat, but partly because I can't do all I would want to its difficult to make decisions, as I know that part of the plan making, is just to have something to so. So I am busy creating things to do to keep me occupied, sad really, pathetic really, depressing – certainly. Sometimes you can just shake yourself out of it, but sometime it is too hard, that dark cloud just envelopes you and you are forced to face and accept your lot, bugger!

What a week!

This week started poorly as on Monday and Tuesday not feeling all that great, just run down and under par. Then on Wednesday no laptop!!!! No internet connection, nothing on Ipad or Iphone either. So seemed reasonable to conclude that there was a problem with the router, as opposed to the laptop. Phoned I T man, who offered to call after his last call that day, 8-9, however after thinking about it, realised it would be a problem as OH works nights  and he would be getting ready, so phoned him back and arranged for Thursday afternoon. 

Then surprise surprise, on Wednesday night I heard iPhone ping and on checking all ok, so quickly online and explaining what had happened. Thursday morning, zilch, nada, nothing, glad I hadn’t called to cancel appointment!

On Thursday, I noticed again a strange noise in the bathroom, kind of like an electric hum, as it had been around a couple of weeks decided it was too annoying to leave so called the plumber and the young man arrived early afternoon. After listening in the bathroom he went off to investigate, in a wee while called me through to show me where he had moved the washing machine and dryer out of my wee utility area and rolled back the vinyl to expose sodden floor boards. He lifted some of them to find a huge fountain erupting from the joint at a copper and lead pipe…..and a lake under it.

He worked on and managed to fix the leak but we also noticed the kitchen sink waste unit had dropped and needed either lifted or replaced. As it is obviously better to get that done before the new floorboards are laid, we arranged for plumber to come back today. So the washing machine and dryer, plus washing hamper, cat food supplies and dishes all moved into kitchen, washing machine pulled back as far as we could to get out the way and so it could be connected and therefore useable. 

Unfortunately the joiner can’t come till Tuesday to lay new floorboards, so chaos will be with me all weekend.

By this time we realised no sign of IT man, he was running late but it was going to be too late for OH, so changed yet again to this afternoon. Plumber came this morning, did all he needed to do, IT man arrived and found the router just needed to be reprogrammed, so all ok there. We had a conversation as he mentioned he often had reconditioned laptops (thinking about mum) and then thought about my old knackered laptop, so he is off with it, convinced he will be able to fix it and then take it to  mum and set it all up for her, yeah!! Fingers crossed!!

In the middle of all this I got a phone call from mums alarm people to say her alarm had gone off and police were on their way! Phoned mum, all well, but when she went into the cupboard where the control, panel lives, a red light came on….. by which time the police car appeared all lights flashing – policeman jumped out the car and ran up to the door and pounded on it. However they were very good and once convinced that she was fine went off. When she phoned the alarm people to tell them (this has happened before) they asked her if she would be in all weekend then they would get an engineer out on Monday!!!!! Anyway, engineer has now been but couldn’t figure out what is wrong, but have changed the setting so that if the alarm goes off they will phone her first to check the situation before alerting the police! Her poor neighbour came running up the street to see if she was ok, and got all emotional hugging her. Any other neighbours around must have wandered what on earth was going on!

Mother was stressed with all this so when the local kids started cycling up and down the road, and the footballs came out she was pacing in her dining room watching them in case of damage. I do wish some of these neighbours who encourage their kids to play with footballs in the street would make sure their kids stayed at their own houses, but of course they don’t and then older residents like my mum get stressed to hell. Apart from the danger of damage to her garden or windows, there have a few narrow misses from cars with kids running out from behind parked cars.

Why is it that life just rolls along with the usual old ups and downs, then suddenly it all goes to hell?

Masquerade of Words up catch up blog, probably more of a ramble….

Trying to think where to start, Coping: coping on many levels.

There is the practical stuff, learning how to do everyday things by using other parts of your body for strength, eg when vacuuming using an upright machine, we usually push from our backs, but by using the thighs to push with, is much easier on our backs.

Always bend down by bending the knees (unlike me who bent down to pick up a bit of fluff while vacuuming, and didn’t use my knees and simply heard the crack as my back broke yet again)!

When making a bed always use the thighs as much as possible, to push the bed for example.

When organising your kitchen try to make sure that everything you use on a regular basis is in a cupboard you can reach easily, as you don’t want to be reaching/stretching any  more than you absolutely have to. Have ovens fitted in where you can use them with ease, and not have to hold a heavy dish and bend down to put it into the oven, or to lift out of it.

In the bathroom try to have handles you can use to hold onto while in the shower, especially good for getting out when you are all wet!!!! And a grip for getting out of a bath. You may not feel you need measures such as these yet, but the day will come when you may not find the essential, but probably find them to be useful.

Again in the kitchen think of the weight of cooking utensils, there are some fabulous cooking pots and casseroles around, but as well as being very expensive, they weight a ton, and that’s before there is any food  in them. This may seem very simplistic, but these things can be a real nuisance if you haven’t thought it through. It also really helps when you can do these things for yourself and  have to ask for help as infrequently as possible.

Then there is the whole question of how to make those around us as aware as possible to our situation. The problem, as we all know, is how to make people really understand what life is like. How one day we can be quite fine (or at least manage to appear to be!) and the next, after doing nothing ‘wrong’ we can be unable to carry on, unable to function without it being obvious to all. We try to convey to them about the nasty visitations we often get in the night, the one with the baseball bat, cricket bat,  truck…… but they find it rather difficult to comprehend. The fact that we can be totally battered, or run over by that truck!, or a shoulder just battered, or a knee, or a foot, lower back, neck, well you know the story. I keep saying that I think the basis is that most people consider illness to be something to get (catch.. whatever) it is diagnosed, treated, then you go through a period of recuperation, and Bobs your uncle! Our reality is we have lots of periods of being very unwell, eventually  it is diagnosed – usually years later – we receive treatment and then go into the occasional period of quiet. Sometimes the quiet times can last for years if you manage to get great meds organised (quiet meaning you can continue living a fairly normal life and coping) but then something comes along to stop you in your tracks, whether it’s a new place of pain, whether the meds just stop being so efficient and you need to start all over again to reassess your situation and try a new regime, whatever, but it means that their notion of us being ‘cured’ is shown yet again to be all wrong.

They seem to find it very difficult to accept there is no cure, that there is no overdoing it, doing the wrong thing for us. Yes we probably do more than we should when we can – just cause we can. It doesn’t happen often ok, so go easy on us!! But there is no guarantee doing ‘too much’’ will cause us exceptional pain, sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t, and you need to believe us when I say that you should try not to ‘accuse’ us if we end up paying for a full day out, a day full of housework etc. We have gone ahead and done a lot more than our normal after weighing it all up, and balancing up any possible payment against the sense of achievement we are able to enjoy now and then. To have behaved in a normal way!!! We give ourselves a row for doing too much on the various AS sites, but it is done tongue in cheek as we all understand the enjoyment of having the occasion high and low rather than never ending blandness.

Yesterday I was full of the cold feeling miserable with lots of aches etc and a bit fed up. I didn’t get up till later, didn’t have a shower and generally was just a misery, so today feeling a little better I had a lovely long hot shower, washed the hair, got dressed, even put on some red lippie just to cheer myself up. I couldn’t have done much more, but I did enough to feel the difference from the day before, and hopefully tomorrow might be even better , might even get outside!

We have to work with what we have on any given day. We will let you know, though if you are very observant you might find you can see the little signs to guide you into how to deal with us!.

I could ramble on a lot more, but my hands are grumbling now, despite my natty fingerless gloves, so I will finish now.