Rambling

I have not had much to say on my blog for a wee while, so as a start to the New Year, I feel I should make more of an effort.

It can be difficult sometimes to write a blog when all your thoughts are of a negative variety, or you have just really been up to nothing much. However, I would like to take the opportunity to describe one day this week when I was feeling particularly gloomy. I woke that morning, and I just couldn’t be bothered about anything. I felt down, depressed, I was a bit sore, was trying to deal with a new pain and I was worrying about 2 of my close friends on FB who were having a tough time and waiting for news. I didn’t want to just disappear, so simply said I wouldn’t be around much that day, I did describe myself at one point as a torn faced whatever, and this really captures it all.

However, I did not bank on  my FB friends, I received so many lovely messages, offers to sort out the person who might have upset me, people I don’t normally converse with, we are just members of same groups, felt compelled to contact me. It was quiet overwhelming and did reduce me to tears once or twice, that people would take the time to actually cheer me up.

I read an article yesterday by a doctor who was commenting on the fact that despite the bad press given to the likes of FB, until he became ill and housebound, he did not realise how much belonging to FB would change his life. He found lots of people to chat to with common interests as well as support groups for others with his condition. He described how he felt much more fulfilled and as a member of the medical profession, what a wealth of experience, information and knowledge was available to him on FB. He found he learned so much more about his illness and also about the patient / doctor relationship. Yes, you have to try to remember that not everyone will be genuine, real or very nice, but then that is the same in ‘real’ life too.

I used to spend much more time on Twitter, but I have found that on FB I have longer conversations and therefore gotten to know people better, and have formed such wonderful friendships. I still pop back and forth to Twitter all the time as there are people there that I would not want to lose contact with, and want to know what is happening in their lives.

I think this time of year is such a dull dreary time, if you have had a fabulous Christmas/New Year, then you are feeling flat as it is now just back to normal, and of course January is such a long month between salaries, and the debts are becoming real. If, on the other hand, you haven’t had a great time over the holidays, it is just more dark and cold days to survive till Spring arrives, an endless feeling time. Many people like me don’t get out much with the weather, whether it is the cold or bad conditions under foot making walking even more off putting. I have to travel by bus or taxi, so of course buses are daunting as I have to have a min of 3 changes of buses in each direction to get to the shopping centre I prefer to go to, which in cold windy bus stops ……. But if I get a taxi, it costs a fortune, so needs to be considered carefully.

It does feel like hibernation as I appear to be getting out 1 day a week these days, still at least the shops are getting quieter as Christmas and the first flush is off the sales, plus almost everyone is back working now, hear the ‘Grumpy Old Woman sneaking in there??

I cheered myself up in the usual way yesterday by buying (or at least mum buying for me as she saw the ‘look’) as well as some purple undies, obviously not liked by others as they were so reduced in price, and purple….. but also a pink bag. I know, a pink bag you say, but I have several pairs of pink shoes. I like surprising things like pink shoes, again bought for ridiculous prices in sales as not a popular colour.

I don’t really care of it is winter, I will carry my own little bit of fun and lightness with me. I tend to wear a lot of black, purple and grey so pink is perfect, and clashes beautifully with my red hair!!

Well I have rambled on rather a lot, but I would also like to add a list of my current reasons to be grateful, as suggested by one of my Twitter friends:

My online family for caring enough to make contact when I needed it

My pink cashmere hoodie bought for less than half price (will match the bag and shoes!) and is so soft and cosy.

The fact that I can see the changes and additions to my home helping to change it into the home I want, which is nice as I spend so much of my time here!

The days may be dreicht, but there is something very enjoyable and guilt free about curling up with a good book, or DVD when it is dark and nasty outside.

Happy New Year to you all xxx

Job Well Done

Heading for the New Year does bring out that ‘clear out the old year ready for the new one’ feeling, whether I like it or not!.

I have found myself going through various cupboards and drawers this week and clearing/tidying, but this afternoon was the hard one. The one I have been building up to, going through the accumulated drawers of makeup.

They are forever reminding us on TV programmes to check the shelf life of makeup, and I must say I was a bit worried when I threw out several eye shadows which had a suggested shelf life of 6 months, and I can count back 8 years or so to buying the!. So I took a deep breath and started, eye shadows, tossed out, blushers – out, bronzers – out, lipsticks – out, foundations – out. Then I started on the creams and potions, and any of them opened that I hadn’t used in some time - out!!

At the end I had a large carrier bag full, less clutter on my dressing table, and a feeling of having accomplished something. I must get OH to take the rubbish out soon, though in case I have a wee look - just to check…

Then, of course, I realised, I will need to replace some of it, not too much, of course. I mean I don’t need 4 purple eye shadows, or 4 mascaras on the go. How many blushers do you need??? Only a couple especially as we now can see how long they are to last, before going in the bin.

So job well done - now I just need to wash all my brushes to complete the task. Unfortunately the last time I coloured my hair I put something down on the dressing table and quite badly marked with red blobs, but I found an interesting looking dark lace runner, like spiders web patterns. So I have ordered that which will hide the marks and add some interest too I hope.

I had also ordered for mum, a necklace display thingy. All the ones we have seen are either too wobbly when laden with necklaces, or not tall enough for the long necklaces and pendants. I found this one in eBay, and after asking questions of the firm, ordered one. It came today so I have hung my stuff on it to see how it fares. So far so good. It looks lovely and takes up far less space than my old one, and it feels secure. All being well, mum will take this one home with her on Sunday and I will order another one for me, maybe 2 as I think it would look balanced on my unit with 2 of them and hold necklace’s better.

Large bottle of pear cider now, I think for job well done.

Just one of those days

You know those kind of days when you knew you should never have gotten out of bed? Today was one of those.

I woke up feeling pretty yucky, tired, upset tum, sore eye etc etc, however had to stay awake, although OH was going out for shopping and some for mum, I have to prepare the list – he can buy but never notices anything so cannot be trusted to get what is needed – so list made, but despite being desperate for a cuppa, as he was sleeping, decided to wait till he was awake. He had after all come in from work at 6, and was getting up again at 8.30.

So got OH all organised, cat came for cuddle, I dozed, all pretty nice I wanted to have a shower and wash my hair, so I thought I will change the bed, so I can get into a clean nightie and later a clean me into clean bed. The duvet cover was brought out, and was very cold, in fact I wasn’t sure it wasn’t still damp. I went looking for another, and found an old cover that I love, but it’s very hard to wash and iron as it is heavily embroidered denim. Never mind, I thought, it will be nice to use it. I forgot what a sod it is to get on as it buttons, but the buttons are half way down the front of the cover, so all usual rules for stuffing a duvet into a cover are no use. Still I struggled on, and eventually, with the air a little blue, it was done, and all looking rather nice.

So my lazy day now had me putting a wash on, and then had to start on the dishes left for me. In due course managed bath and hair wash, got organised and into fresh nightie. Ok not too bad, tum still not right, head banging away and eye throbbing, but cuppa and pain pills and I’ll be OK I thought. OH got home, and went on and on about something on the list, and when I eventually asked why there was such a bloody problem with an everyday thng like that, it appeared he had decided it was something else…..showed him the list, he stomped off.

Washing done, so all bedding into dryer, and towels etc made up another load. Had a wee cup of soup to keep me going, read a few papers and then decided to have my meal early. When sorting it out, put soup that I made yesterday, on to heat through and added the lentils, left it simmering when I took my meal through. Then a smelt the burning, the soup was burnt, pan ruined, place stinking. All my own fault, couldn’t blame anyone else. Disposed of soup, left the pan to soak in case it was salvageable, and opened the window a little. A wee while later went through and window wide open, despite trying everything I could, it was impossible for me to close, it so I had to go off to get dressed to go out, but in the meantime OH woke up to go to the loo, so he managed to close it for me.

Tired, sore, fed up, everything that could go wrong today has, so I should have stayed in my bed, I really should have.

Never mind, tomorrow can only be better ……….

One of those daysI

I have been going through a period of not sleeping well, so although I had dentist today, not till 2.10. Which was just as well as I did the usual last night, fighting to stay awake till OH up and getting ready for his work, then....wide awake!. Still sitting watching recorded programmes at 2.30..

Able to have a long lie in.but felt the need to get up and on with some of the chores waiting for me. However always having to remember about the dentist. I had gathered some books I didn't want to keep to hand into the charity book shop near the dentist, however as the pile grew, OH took pity and took them up for me, so all I had to do was pop in on the way home to  look for any books (!)

Well I arrived at the dentist, and without going into it all, I had no appointment, my details were correct per the details I was given, but different ones put in the computer. End result, no one available to see me so I have to go back in a few weeks. I was very pleasant, neither lady there made the booking, so no point of taking it out on them. So off to the charity shop, feeling very fed up as my whole day was programmed round the appointment.

Bought 3 books and a book carrier thingy in purple, rather handy as your book fits in it with a pen, a ribbon to keep your page, and even a wee handle on the spine, if you wanted to carry it that way. Home, and there waiting for me was my new GHD straighteners. Bliss. Mine had dies, but as they were in excess of 10 years old, I cannot complain. In the meantime, I had looked out all old hair tongs etc, but you don't realise how good they are till you don't have them!!! So all excited I unpacked them and plugged them in.So lovely all new and extra bits, like the beep when heat reached. I had a quick shock of them, then switched them off, cleaned make up off, and calmly reached over o move them by grabbing the hot bit!!!!!! Thumb should have been three time the size and red and throbbing by the way it felt, ran for cooling gel......

Feeling a bit fed up with my day and then put my first ever Weighwatcher meal in the oven. Having lost a reasonable amount of weight on my slow and steady eating plan, I am still keen to be as good as I can be, but after the day I had been having., who knew! However, I can say with honesty I really enjoyed it and even more so as it was £2 in sale in supermarket!!!

Hopefully tomorrow should be a better day, need to get some chores out they way before the new boiler work starts on Thursday - hope fully all the thongs that are going to go wrong this week have already happened!! Early night coming up, with large scotch I think.......

For M O W : Self Esteem

I find this quite a difficult one, probably I think, because it is!

I can tell myself all the right things, gee myself up to go out, and feel great, but when I meet people, new or old, I can often be found to just quietly withdraw. Especially with a group of people, I find I just don't feel confident in a crowd any longer. I do find myself feeling so out of the loop, boring, nothing to talk about and so on.

After spending my whole life working, suddenly because of my circumstances, my world has shrunk so much. While I will never miss the job, I do miss the mixing with people, the social side to working. I was mixing with all sorts of people, all sorts of ages and backgrounds. I chatted each day to all sorts of people, tenants, other departments, tradesmen.  While these days I can go days with only seeing my OH briefly. Apart from that it’s me, the cats, the TV and the laptop.

I am not too bad, one on one, as I like to think I am a good listener, but in a crowd, I pull on my invisibility cloak. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel I am inferior as such, I just have little to say, because of this small, shrinking world I now inhabit.

I can be walking around, say in the shopping centre, leaning on a trolley and looking in the windows, then see my reflection……..and it often will really knock the wind from my sails. I don’t mean that in a narcissistic way, just that I still think of myself as I was, 6 inches taller, a few stone lighter and with a straight spine. Even after all these years the reality can still take my breath away, and obviously affects my self-esteem. Any self-confidence I had mustered in order to get out, goes straight out the window!

It can become such a catch 22 situation, the less you do it, the less you want to do it, the less you socialise, the more difficult it is. I can’t see an answer to this for me, as my circle gets ever smaller, so do the opportunities.

However, I shall continue to strive to get out and about, to try and have a little more confidence, the poster below I feel is wholly appropriate to me and others in similar situations, but it is not easy, but then why should we expect to be?

More Reasons to be cheerful

Let’s think what comes to mind this time for reasons to be cheerful, at this time of year I do like a cool, but bright day, when I can wear a  long jumper and big woolly cardigan, big scarf round my neck (I find this is the best place) and cosy gloves.

Another reason to be cheerful, is on a dark, wet, windy day, being able to snuggle by the fire, with the cats and a good book, or DVD, and feel no guilt.

My GHD hair straighteners: I don’t need to straighten my hair as it’s straight as anything, but it’s also flat as a pancake, so a quick few flicks with them and add some product, and it looks like I have much thicker and curvier hair. I do have a spare pair (just cheap ones) as I would be totally lost without them.

My drawer and cupboard and bags full of scarves of all sizes, shapes, colours. I love my scarves, plain outfit, boring outfit, find a scarf to change the look, or more often with several making all different looks to suit the mood I am in.

My jewellery collection. I feel naked without my jewellery, from the cheapest of the cheap upwards. I can spend a lovely afternoon, getting all necklaces off the stand and out the drawers etc, cleaning, deciding what is in vogue, what has to go away and what will stay on show, then arrange in colour order. Same with bracelets and earrings. Again lift and outfit, and my mood by changing the jewellery, good stuff mixed with cheap whatever. I have enclosed a couple of photos of a few bits and bobs.

And on one of these cool autumn/winter nights there is nothing to beat home made soup.

On reflexion I quite like this time of year as long as dry and not too windy!!

Need:

What do I need, I think in fairness this isn’t too complicated at all. All the basic stuff needed by us all, enough money to not have to worry too much each month, sufficient clothes to wear, food on the table etc etc.

Then the other stuff, I must have books around me, music to listen to, people to talk to (mainly on line these days). When I can, I need to get out of the flat, to stretch my legs, to walk, to look in shops, smile at people, and feel like I am still part of the human race. Plus it is the only form of exercise I can do.

I also need a little help now and then, nothing major, but just sometimes, if those around me would simply think ahead a little. I do this when I am with my mum, I try to observe what she is doing, and often take over doing something I know she will have difficult doing, before she realises that I have done so. No big fanfare LET ME HELP YOU, just quietly assisting her. I often need some help, and at times, if I am honest I actually really grudge having to ask for it. I wander why no one has thought to themselves that what I am about to do will be difficult for me and so just take over quietly. In fairness though, I think I am more attuned to this simply because of my own situation, and that is why I am able to do it with my mum. So a little subtle help, not stuffed down my throat, or ‘I won’t bother as you will want to do it yourself,’ would be much appreciated.

A lot of that comes from the ‘not looking sick’ situation. If I looked pale and wan and in a chair or in plaster or a bandage wrapped round my head, people would make more of an effort. I know when I am in the supermarket, holding onto the trolley, I can gaze at something on the top shelf, and I get no offers of help. If I walk from the trolley using my stick I find it easier to ask for help and people rarely look upset at being asked.

Probably also is the fact that having a chronic illness, people get used to thinking of you in one way and they don’t change that mind-set. They begin to accept that you rarely go out, so never ask, etc. You make your bed and find yourself stranded there!

I need to feel worthwhile and not just a useless, nearly housebound, disabled boring person, because I don’t go out, doesn’t mean I might not like to, with a little assistance. But looking ok, and the illness going on and on and on and on, being taken for granted sets in, invisibility sets in, and assumptions take root.

I need more of a life than I have. I need to feel alive, I know I am sliding into becoming the old woman with the cats and the books and the TV, and that would be all too easy. I realise that mum is getting nearer to the stage when she will need more help, and I dread it, as does she. What use will I be then? But I will NEED to find strength and energy from somewhere as there is only us, no big family to lean on, or big circle of friends anymore.

I need to try and get as well as I can be , lose some weight to help with this endeavour, as mum would love to go to the USA one more time. Go to her favourite place, Scottsdale, and as I am at the moment I would be a real hindrance. You might think this is more of a ‘wish’ than a ‘need’, but we all ‘need’ something to strive for. Or we would just stay in bed!!

 There is plenty that I want – but that is another story!!